This is a new post that Im gonna start chronicling the days till my death. I am on the road to it starting today. Since 2011 started my life has been nothing but bad. To the point that I dont think I can do anything to fix it.Im just gonna do what I been putting off for so long because I thought things were gonna get better. Just got bad news about my car accident and what did I do when I got home? Pop pills. Yes it has become an obsession of mines lately. Now to the point to where Im a full blown fiend. I do an awesome job of hiding it from friends and family but I think soon people will start to notice. but you know what, I dont really care anymore. I just want it to be over. From now till my dying day and while Im still breathing the only thing Im gonna continue to do is all that I can for my kids. But I know one would wonder, if you care for your kids so much why are you trying to check out on them and end your life? I feel that way because I know there is nothing I can do for them. I work at a job where I only get paid 150 dollars every two weeks and by the time I walk down the street my check is done. I am a born loser thats I will ever amount to. Not to talk bad about my dad and all but I think im just like him. It seemed like his life never amounted to nothing ever since he had me. I am starting to feel the same way about my life with my kids. True I have people who love me but if I dont love myself what is the use? I feel there is nothing I can do to fix my life. No chance at getting a good job or nothing. What else is there left to do? The pills help me escape my miserable existence some of the time but when I get back to reality, Im still a loser still a bum and still a bad father who cant provide for his children. All I want is a good job and things will get back on track for me. But due to my past sins they prevent me from getting anything good in my life so thats why Im at the point I am now.
A best friend of mines killed his girlfriend a couple of months ago and hes in jail for the rest of his life and for some reason, maybe its my sick way of thinking but I feel his life is still better than mines. A dream of mines,before I die was to see the american frontier but I dont think that will ever happen. The definiton of a loser is definitley me. I describe it to a tee. Thats why Im just gonna spend my last miserable days on this planet popping pills until its my time to go. I know its sad but thats just the way I feel , and have been feeling for a couple of years now.
