This is a new post that Im gonna start chronicling the days till my death. I am on the road to it starting today. Since 2011 started my life has been nothing but bad. To the point that I dont think I can do anything to fix it.Im just gonna do what I been putting off for so long because I thought things were gonna get better. Just got bad news about my car accident and what did I do when I got home? Pop pills. Yes it has become an obsession of mines lately. Now to the point to where Im a full blown fiend. I do an awesome job of hiding it from friends and family but I think soon people will start to notice. but you know what, I dont really care anymore. I just want it to be over. From now till my dying day and while Im still breathing the only thing Im gonna continue to do is all that I can for my kids. But I know one would wonder, if you care for your kids so much why are you trying to check out on them and end your life? I feel that way because I know there is nothing I can do for them. I work at a job where I only get paid 150 dollars every two weeks and by the time I walk down the street my check is done. I am a born loser thats I will ever amount to. Not to talk bad about my dad and all but I think im just like him. It seemed like his life never amounted to nothing ever since he had me. I am starting to feel the same way about my life with my kids. True I have people who love me but if I dont love myself what is the use? I feel there is nothing I can do to fix my life. No chance at getting a good job or nothing. What else is there left to do? The pills help me escape my miserable existence some of the time but when I get back to reality, Im still a loser still a bum and still a bad father who cant provide for his children. All I want is a good job and things will get back on track for me. But due to my past sins they prevent me from getting anything good in my life so thats why Im at the point I am now.
A best friend of mines killed his girlfriend a couple of months ago and hes in jail for the rest of his life and for some reason, maybe its my sick way of thinking but I feel his life is still better than mines. A dream of mines,before I die was to see the american frontier but I dont think that will ever happen. The definiton of a loser is definitley me. I describe it to a tee. Thats why Im just gonna spend my last miserable days on this planet popping pills until its my time to go. I know its sad but thats just the way I feel , and have been feeling for a couple of years now.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Chronicles of a loser chapter 1
Hello world. The time is now 4 :44 am in the morning. December 23. Two days away from christmas. I wish I could say at this time life is good but unfortunatly its not. Just had a car accident on the 19th and that destroyed my world. With my big girl (my car) being gone, I am basically a prisoner in my own home. When things are stressing me out in my house I cant do nothing about it but to deal with it now. Im going through the proper channels with my insurance and all that to hope that I can get a new car soon but that is gonna take a minute, I know it is..
My Home Life
Im just gonna give a brief summary on my life right now. I am in a marriage that was a total mistake. I came home from prison with the mentality that I will come home and marry a woman and that would keep me away from a life a crime. But me being the dumbass that I am, I should have waited and I would have ended up with a better woman than the one I have now. She is disabled and basically I am doing things on my own as far as my family goes. I have two daughters. 1 who is biologically mines and another who is my stepdaughter. I dont tell her Im not her real dad cuz im all she knows. She was good till she started getting older. In my eyes to me it seems like shes becoming a slut but her mother tells me its part of her being a teenager. If I was like that as a teen I would have done something nuts already. My other one, My shayna, Man I messed her up! Me spoiling her when she was young has made a problem for me now. She is 7 is very bad and lazy. She thinks im supposed to be her butler and all that and clean up after her and my dumb ass does it. But Im tryna teach her responsiblity but I dont think its gonna work because she sees her mom and dad arguing all the time so I know in her mind she is going through it.
I try to do what I can for shayna and lanasia to make life easier for them but Im so stupid I go out and do dumb things that make life hard for me and in turn if my life is hard things are difficult for my kids.
Due to me having problems in my home life I strayed away and had a child by another woman. This other woman , her name is jessica. She is good to me. One of the good things I have going in my life. I have a daughter with her name jasira. She is so beautiful and I love her to death. It hurts me sometimes that shes afraid to be next to me. Do to me having a wife and another family I dont spend as much time with her and when I do see her she cries and it hurts me bad. But anyway, Jessica is my other half who wants to be with me so bad but we have issues preventing us from doing so. One issue is , my wife is disabled. I dont wanna leave my daughters with her because I know life will be a million times hard for them. I want life to be good to them. I dont want it to be fucked up how my upbringing was. But the things im doing and how my life is now its starting to head that way. another reason is jessica has a family who is terrible! They are the worst Ive ever seen, She also has a mother who is sick that she is dedicated to and I dont think shes really ready to leave her.
Another reason, due to this bullshit economy I have a bullshit job that pays me nothing but peanuts. Also me having a child outside of my marriage by a woman who just recently got a job, I am on child support. The stress from that is causing me to kill myself slowly.
Now, to top it all off. I have a serious, serious, addiction to pain killers. That is like that worst thing that could have happen to me ever. I never thought in a million years something like that could happen to me. Maybe its genetic since my moms was addicted to drugs and all but who knows. I wanna quit so bad but with all the problems I got I need them to escape reality. I know this is something a junkie would say but I love the high they give me. I feel like a hippie in the 60's when they used to smoke pot or take lsd and they would dance in a circle. I wanna do the same thing when Im popping the pills. Life is crazy I know. I am seriously losing my mind. I thought that if I wrote it down that it would help me a lil bit to get it off my chest. It does and Im gonna make sure I do this everyday just to keep notes on my life. So after this there will be more to come.............
My Home Life
Im just gonna give a brief summary on my life right now. I am in a marriage that was a total mistake. I came home from prison with the mentality that I will come home and marry a woman and that would keep me away from a life a crime. But me being the dumbass that I am, I should have waited and I would have ended up with a better woman than the one I have now. She is disabled and basically I am doing things on my own as far as my family goes. I have two daughters. 1 who is biologically mines and another who is my stepdaughter. I dont tell her Im not her real dad cuz im all she knows. She was good till she started getting older. In my eyes to me it seems like shes becoming a slut but her mother tells me its part of her being a teenager. If I was like that as a teen I would have done something nuts already. My other one, My shayna, Man I messed her up! Me spoiling her when she was young has made a problem for me now. She is 7 is very bad and lazy. She thinks im supposed to be her butler and all that and clean up after her and my dumb ass does it. But Im tryna teach her responsiblity but I dont think its gonna work because she sees her mom and dad arguing all the time so I know in her mind she is going through it.
I try to do what I can for shayna and lanasia to make life easier for them but Im so stupid I go out and do dumb things that make life hard for me and in turn if my life is hard things are difficult for my kids.
Due to me having problems in my home life I strayed away and had a child by another woman. This other woman , her name is jessica. She is good to me. One of the good things I have going in my life. I have a daughter with her name jasira. She is so beautiful and I love her to death. It hurts me sometimes that shes afraid to be next to me. Do to me having a wife and another family I dont spend as much time with her and when I do see her she cries and it hurts me bad. But anyway, Jessica is my other half who wants to be with me so bad but we have issues preventing us from doing so. One issue is , my wife is disabled. I dont wanna leave my daughters with her because I know life will be a million times hard for them. I want life to be good to them. I dont want it to be fucked up how my upbringing was. But the things im doing and how my life is now its starting to head that way. another reason is jessica has a family who is terrible! They are the worst Ive ever seen, She also has a mother who is sick that she is dedicated to and I dont think shes really ready to leave her.
Another reason, due to this bullshit economy I have a bullshit job that pays me nothing but peanuts. Also me having a child outside of my marriage by a woman who just recently got a job, I am on child support. The stress from that is causing me to kill myself slowly.
Now, to top it all off. I have a serious, serious, addiction to pain killers. That is like that worst thing that could have happen to me ever. I never thought in a million years something like that could happen to me. Maybe its genetic since my moms was addicted to drugs and all but who knows. I wanna quit so bad but with all the problems I got I need them to escape reality. I know this is something a junkie would say but I love the high they give me. I feel like a hippie in the 60's when they used to smoke pot or take lsd and they would dance in a circle. I wanna do the same thing when Im popping the pills. Life is crazy I know. I am seriously losing my mind. I thought that if I wrote it down that it would help me a lil bit to get it off my chest. It does and Im gonna make sure I do this everyday just to keep notes on my life. So after this there will be more to come.............
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